MF was supposed to be back on Tuesday, but he had some problems and didn't actually get home until last night. And even though in my last entry I was contemplating possibly living my life without him, the fact that he's been gone has been really hard on me and it sucked when he couldn't make it home on time. But then again, this week has been really stressful for me at home.

I had big plans to give him a day or two to recuperate, and then take him to dinner or something and tell him what's been going on in my head, to some degree. And I was going to give him the rest of this week to figure out what he wanted to do. But now he's come back two days later than he was supposed to and I'm...well, I'm thinking I will only give him today to rest up and figure out what he wants to do. I'm going to try to get him alone tonight and talk to him about what's been going on with me and what I need him to do for us to be okay.

Hopefully, only enough to let him know how serious things have gotten for me but not so much that he'd feel threatened or hurt. His mom is really worried that if I tell him I don't need him to live with me and the kids, he'll feel like he has nothing to stay for and he'll go back to Cali. She's got a pretty good point, so I'm going to attempt to avoid that.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I'm sincerely hoping that he takes it well and gets his ass in gear come Monday. But we'll see, I guess.

Also, I had a doctor appointment yesterday. I managed to lose weight again, although how that happened I have no clue. I mean, I've eaten fast food at least twice a week for the past couple weeks and I am not being careful at all about what I eat. I don't mind losing weight, especially considering that I started out fat with this baby anyway. But my husband and my mother-in-law hate it, so I actually lied to the MIL about it when she asked me. I told MF the truth, and he was a little upset with me and he wants me to ask the doctor about it. I will, but I'm not going to worry about this overly much. I mean, I eat when I'm hungry, even if it's right before bed. So I have no idea how I lost weight but I don't think three pounds in two weeks is all that big of a deal. I will ask the doc next time I go in, though, just to be sure.

Other than that, everything is looking good. I keep having contractions, but they stop after a little while, so I guess it's nothing to worry about. Although, I have to admit, it does freak me out a little and I wish I would stop having the damn things. I mean, how am I supposed to know when I actually go into labor if I keep having contractions like this for no reason? :oP

And I keep getting headaches, but that could be because my eye prescription changed. I got that checked out and my eyes have actually gotten better since last year. The eye doc thinks the change has to do with pregnancy hormones. Whatever the reason, I have new contacts on the way, so we'll see if that doesn't help alleviate some of the headaches. If not, I only have a few weeks left and I think I can deal with them until then.

Anywho, I need to run but I'll try to update again soon.

Tags: frustrations, marriage, pregnancy
Current Mood: pregnant

I have noticed something about my posting habits of late, aside from the fact that I rarely do it. I avoid posting when I don't want anyone to think I'm not okay. Or maybe it's that I don't want to come across as a whiner. Whatever the psychological reason is, I don't post as often as I'd like to because I feel uncomfortable with people reading some of the stuff going on in my life. Hence my thinking that maybe I should disable comments or something. But then again, the whole point of me doing this journal is to be more open with myself and others, or at least that was my intention. Eh, we'll see how it goes.

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Anyway, that's it for now. It took me ages to write this and get this crap off my chest. And I don't really feel better for doing it this time, but at least it's there. :oP

Tags: frustrations, marriage, money, pregnancy
Current Mood: pregnant

Last week, my old boss from three years ago called me and wanted to know what I was up to. I know what that means: he wants to know if I can come to work for him at his new company. I agreed to meet him for lunch and hear what he had to say. So the night before, I thought about what it would take for me to leave my current employer.

Basically, I figured that I'd need to make the same amount of money (more if possible), but have the ability to work part-time or from my house if I'm having a "bad" day (ie my sciatic is bothering me, or I have a migraine). Also, I wanted commission on my sales this time, because that was the only crappy thing about my job when Keith (my old boss) and I worked for E-Terra. I was making our office ten-twenty thousand dollars a month and not seeing a penny of it. If I'm going to work that hard to make someone else money, they should damn well give me a piece of it. Other than that, I figured we could work out the benefits and maternity leave, particularly if they were willing to let me work from home.

Anyway, long story short, Keith and I met for lunch, along with another guy we used to work with, Chris. They spent some time reassuring me of their financial position and how they run their business. (This is important because we all left E-Terra when we found out about their very poor business practices, and the financial straits they were in. Hell, once payroll checks start bouncing, you know your company is in some pretty serious trouble. So we all got out of there and found other jobs.) Then we got around to talking about what they were looking for, and what it would take to get me to work for them.

And I pretty much laid my cards out on the table. I told him that I like my job, but there are definitely some aspects of it that I don't like. For one, I'd much rather work for a smaller company where recognition is easier to come by and where I don't have to play the political games. Secondly, I would like the option to work part-time if I need or want it. Third, I'd need to make a comparable salary and commission, although the percentage is negotiable. Everything else, including maternity leave, would be open for discussion.

And this is what he came back with: if I want to earn vacation hours at the regular rate, I need to work a minimum of 30 hours a week. But if I'm okay with earning at a lower rate, then he is completely fine with me going part-time. He offered me approximately $100 less a month than I make now, which is nothing in my mind, and commission after 90 days, although he isn't sure what the percentage will be yet. (And even 3% would be acceptable, to tell the truth.) Also, he will compensate me for some of my maternity leave, but we also worked out an agreeable work-from-home option if I feel okay after a couple of weeks. And I think there are a total of five other employees, two of whom own the company and three that are part-time. So that's right up my alley as far as small companies are concerned.

I guess to sum it all up, this is exactly the kind of opportunity I've been waiting YEARS for. I can set my own hours, I can do my own thing, and I have a boss that won't give me any shit as long as I'm making money for the company. So, I accepted the job and put my notice in here. As a matter of fact, my last day is Friday and I couldn't be happier.

Also, I'm leaving early Sunday morning for Dallas to go to a training conference with our software manufacturer. Apparently, that's something they've undertaken in the past few years for the sales force, training is required in the products you're authorized for. I guess they've finally figured out that having knowledgeable sales people will make them more money. ;o) Anyway, I'll be back Thursday night.

Now, if only my husband would get a job, we'd be in great shape. :oP

Tags: new job

When I was pregnant with Caleb, I remember that I had a hard time sleeping, but it passed with the mild nausea as soon as I hit my twelfth week. I remember suffering from allergies and asthma for the first time in my life in the second trimester, probably because I quit smoking and the crud finally cleared out of my lungs. I also vividly, and unfortunately, remember getting hemorrhoids in my last trimester, and how uncomfortable that was. Lastly, I remember being very fat and having a hard time sleeping and getting around toward the very end, but I think that’s to be expected no matter what else happens.

That may sound like a lot, but really it isn’t too bad, relatively speaking. I had a great doctor, so I was able to take medication for the allergies, asthma and butt-ache. I don’t think there’s anything any doctor can do about that whale-like feeling I had in those last two weeks, and that was my only major complaint in the end. So, in all honesty, the hardest thing was the toll it took on me emotionally.

I mean, I was barely 21 when Caleb was born, and I’d screwed my life up completely, at least from where I’d wanted to be at that age. I was supposed to be in college; I was supposed to be making something of myself. I wasn’t supposed to have kids until I was in my thirties and I certainly wasn’t supposed to do it alone. So when I got pregnant and decided to have the baby, I was sure that no one would ever want me and that I’d spend the rest of my life like my mother, dedicated to my child but wholly unhappy. And all because the circumstances were so far off from what I had envisioned for myself that I couldn’t see past it.

This time around, everything is different. The biggest and best thing is that I’m in a much better emotional and mental state than I was when I was pregnant with Caleb, and that makes everything about having another kid a LOT easier. I think the five years in between helped a lot maturity-wise, but I also know that I can handle being a mom now, and that knowledge is very freeing. The fact that I have a partner who is loving, attentive, and just plain good to be around also contributes to making this pregnancy easier emotionally. But the thing he can’t help with (although he tries) is how physically different, and in my opinion more difficult, this pregnancy is for me.

For example, in my first trimester with this one, I experienced constant nausea and migraines. In my second trimester, I’ve been very tired but unable to sleep through the night. And in the past month, I’ve experienced new discomforts: sciatic nerve problems (leg going to “sleep,” sharp back pain, etc), a flare-up of hemorrhoids, and now my hips are aching, so it’s kinda hard to get around. And I still have the allergies, morning sickness (although it is MUCH better than it was), migraines and sleeping problems.

I’ve heard that girls are just harder to carry, and maybe that’s true, but I think it’s a karmatic thing, really. I mean, Caleb’s pregnancy was easier physically, but I was a mess emotionally. This time, I’m in great shape emotionally, but I’m experiencing more physical discomforts. It’s like a trade-off or something.

But any way you look at it, the physical discomforts certainly make it difficult for me to come to work every day, and therefore I feel like my work ethic is suffering. I mean, I went home early for the first time in my career on Thursday, and I felt so bad about it that I actually cried when I told Michael I was leaving work because I was in so much pain. But it was either that or make myself worse by staying. And as much as I hated leaving, I’m not stupid and I’m not a glutton for punishment. So I went home and made sure I was okay enough to come in the next day.

I’ve decided since then that going home early for one day isn’t so bad, but I have gone over my paycheck stubs for the past few months, and I have noticed that I am out sick (with a migraine, with back problems, with butt problems, etc) approximately three days out of four weeks. It makes me wonder if I shouldn’t cut back my hours or something. Not because my employer is hassling me, because thankfully they’ve been very understanding about this pregnancy. But because I’m starting to wonder if it wouldn’t be better for my health, not o mention my peace of mind, if I spent more time taking it easy.

Therefore, I’m going to talk to HR about changing to part-time status, just to see what the requirements are for making the change and how it would affect my benefits and pay.

I think it’s a good solution, much better than quitting my job or going on disability because I can’t sit at my desk without hurting myself. (I do a lot of lying down when I’m home, needless to say.) I’ve brought it up to Michael, but we’ll need to look at the financial impact before we decide either way, of course.

And maybe I won’t do it at all. There are other things that Michael and I need to plan right now, so it may not work out financially for me to go part-time. I think we’ll sit down tonight or tomorrow and make a list of the pros and cons of the three big decisions we’ve got in front of us right now: buying a house versus renting, me going part-time or staying full-time, and Michael’s next trip to California.

It’s strange that there are so many choices to make now that I’m sharing my life with someone else. If I was still single, I doubt very much that I’d be buying a house because I probably couldn’t afford it. I also think I’d push myself to stay full-time as long as possible. And I certainly wouldn’t be entertaining the notion of moving to another state.

But with Michael around, so much more has come up and it’s a little overwhelming at times. On the one hand, I realize now my thinking has changed about some aspects of my life and I see that as a good thing. But on the other hand, the fact that we have so many options to consider before making a single choice... It’s daunting, to say the least. And it makes me mildly uncomfortable to have so much of my life undecided when I need stability to feel...okay. Hell, I’m going to have a baby in three months and I don’t even have a place of my own to call home.

*sigh* Like I said before, this pregnancy is completely different from my last.

Tags: job woes, pregnancy

Caleb said something really funny last night.

I was sitting on the couch at Michael's parent's house, watching them play Scrabble (and as boring as that sounds, they're hilarious). The baby was moving around a lot, so I had Caleb come over to talk to her. He always puts his hand on my belly and rubs it in a circle to say hi, so he did that this time to. But I also held his hand where she seemed to be focusing, right above my belly button, and he felt her moving.

This is what he said: "*gasp* The baby sister's moving around in there! (He looks around at us, incredulously.) I think she's trying to get out!" Then he put his ear to my belly to see if she was trying to talk to him, too.

It was one of those times that I wish I had a video camera running on him 24 hours a day.

Tags: kids and parenting

It's official: I am very pregnant. I can't see my feet and I have to brace myself to get out of low chairs. Also, we had our final ultrasound a week or so ago and the tech feels pretty confident with saying it's a girl. And this little one is a lot more active than Caleb was. She's been pretty quiet for the past couple days (I was in bed a lot with headaches this weekend), but normally I can feel her moving the majority of the day and night. Needless to say, Michael and I are pretty excited and I think Caleb is finally getting it. He rubs my belly and says hi to his baby sister. As sweet as he is, I worry a little about how he'll feel once the baby is actually born and requiring attention from us. But I think he'll be fine. He loves babies and he likes helping out around the house, so I have high hopes for his big-brotherly-ness. ;o)

In a related note, my marriage is going well. I think that even though we weren't together very long before tying the knot, we've made a good decision. We love each other of course, but I also think we match well, especially now that we've had time to iron out some of our past relationship wrinkles. I'm also sure he'll be a good dad, because he's already wonderful with Caleb. And best of all, I know that even if things don't work out down the road, we'll always have a good relationship with each other. Of course we're shooting for the whole "rest of our lives" bit, but we're also trying to be realistic about the more negative possibilities as well, since we jumped into marriage and kids pretty quickly. That's the way I generally view everything (taking the good but with an eye for what MIGHT go bad), so it works pretty well for me and he seems to feel good about it, too.

( The rest of my crap behind the cut... )

So, I've probably gone on long enough now that I really must get out of here. At least I was nice enough to put all my angst behind the cut. ;o)

Tags: friends and family, frustrations, pregnancy, the "m" word

For some reason, my cut text is hating me right now, so I'll just say that you click the cut at your own risk, because this post got pretty damn long. :oP But if you're patient, I put in the link to the archived ceremony. :o)

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So, that’s it. Sorry for the length of this post, but as you can see a lot of stuff happened. ;o) Anyway, I’ll post again at the very least as soon as I meet with my mid-wife. I'm really hoping that I can get Michael to come with me, especially to this one, but we'll see how it goes with his work schedule. I'll report in soon. :o)

EDITED to make more reader-friendly.

Tags: the "m" word

To my friends and family,

We’re leaving this evening for Las Vegas, and I’m pretty excited. I was up until 2am packing and getting everything ready. But at least this morning all I had to do was throw the suitcases in the car and come to work.

The "girls" in my department are throwing me a bridal lunch, which I’m actually pretty flattered about. I’ve confessed finally to my boss (last week) that I’m pregnant and she was totally fine about it, which is good because I’m pretty sure the topic will come up at lunch. ;o)

My day is going to be pretty hectic trying to get everything done before noon, so I won’t have a chance to check in, but if you want the pertinent info on when/where/how, read on.

We’re going to be staying at the Excalibur through Sunday and the ceremony is on Saturday at the Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel at 6pm Vegas time.

If you want to watch the ceremony, follow the instructions below to view it via live internet broadcast.
Thank you everyone for all your love, support and well-wishes in the past few months. It’s been crazy but good, and I sometimes don’t know what I would have done without this outlet.



Love and warm wishes to you all,

Maggie



To view the ceremony via live internet broadcast, go to http://www.vivalasvegasweddings.com/live_internet_weddings.htm about ten minutes prior to the ceremony. Then, scroll down until you see the heading "Outdoor Gazebo Wedding Chapel #1". Click on the link immediately below and you will be taken directly to the webcam in the gazebo. If the streaming hasn't started yet, you'll get a message letting you know that a ceremony isn't underway at this time. This indicates that your connection is working and you have the proper software, so you should try again in a few minutes.

If you do not get a message, make sure you have RealPlayer. To download the free version, go to http://www.real.com/freeplayer/?rppr=rnwk. If you have ANY other difficulties viewing the video, please call the chapel toll-free at (800) 574-4450.

Tags: the "m" word

Even though I’ve never actually spelled out who I work for, I bet if I tell you that my employer just sold out to another grocery retailer (actually, wholesale manufacturer and grocery retailer), a pharmacy chain and an investment company, you’d probably know who they are.

I’m upset by the news because Boise is the birthplace of this company, and no one who is from here (or who has lived here for longer than five years) is happy about it. I mean, the history of this company is a huge part of Boise.

When the first store opened in 1939, it was the largest and finest grocery store in the area. That store still stands today. As a matter of fact, you can’t go more than a mile in Boise without seeing one of these stores. We have a college here with the same name, for cripe’s sake, and they are probably the largest employer in the area, aside from Micron and HP.

I think if the company had stayed in the family, things would be very different. But unfortunately, the founder’s heirs were a lot less interested in running a grocery chain than he was, and it’s been run by a board of directors since the late 1970s. I believe the founder’s death in 1993 was the point at which profits became more important than people. And if it wasn’t true then, it definitely has been for the past four years since the current CEO began running the organization. And now, the largest and most successful company to be born in this area has sold itself to the highest bidder less than a century from its inception. *shakes head*

Maybe I’m letting this bug me too much, but I know that many of my fellow Idahoans feel the same, if they are not more disappointed than I am.

As for my job, the sale will take several months to close, at the earliest mid-summer. It could take as long as a year, actually, with all the anti-trust issues that will have to be resolved by the buyers. And that means that until they take over operations, it’s just “business as usual”, even though our suppliers and printers are questioning whether they want to sign a year contract with us at this point. So, we all still have jobs and will for the next six months or so.

Even still, the majority of my colleagues are currently brushing up their resumes, and making sure they reach out to their network of potential employers. And I’m following their example, because it would really stink to stay and have them lay off the entire department (which, in our case at least, is a definite possibility). Also, just in case the deal closes quickly, I’m going to be proactive and see what else is out there. Can’t hurt to have my resume, updated at least, right?

In other news, I went and picked up my newly altered wedding dress during my lunch hour. And over the weekend, I managed to find a tiara and costume jewelry that will look very nice with the dress. Also, Michael’s mother made me several veils, which was really sweet of her. I’ve been breaking in my shoes and I feel very good about how everything is shaping up.

And this evening I’m going to call my dad. After asking around a little, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay for me to ask him to help me pay for my wedding. After all, he is my dad and this is a once in a lifetime event. I shouldn’t have to ask him to pay for anything, but, since he isn’t offering, I don’t think it’s too terribly wrong of me to call him about it. We’ll see how it goes, I guess.

Also, this baby moves a lot. When I say a lot, I don’t mean a lot for how early it is, I mean frequently. That’s actually pretty nutty, because I only felt it move a week ago, so this IS really early for how active it is. I mean, I don’t think Caleb ever moved this much in a day, and at the time I thought he was pretty active. It isn’t a big deal, except that it’s kind of disconcerting.

I’ll be sitting here, typing an email or going over some documents, and I’ll feel this prolonged flurry of movement about three inches in from my left hip. A few minutes later, I’ll feel a few flutters on the right side as well. This happens about 10 times in a day and usually lasts for several minutes each occasion. Everything I’ve read says that an active baby is a healthy baby, but this seems like almost too much for one little baby to make on their own. So, I’m a little nervous that there might be more than one baby, although it wouldn’t be a bad thing if that were true, just a little hectic. I wonder if I’ll get an ultrasound at my appointment, or if they’ll make me wait a month like they did with Caleb. Either way, it’s exciting and Michael is taking everything very well.

Speaking of which, I booked him an ultimate spa package at a place in town that caters to men who like to be pampered. He’s wanted to go there for a while, and I decided to do this for him as a wedding gift. Now I wonder if I should ask for him to pay for my spa experience as a wedding gift. After all, the waxing is to his benefit if you think about it, especially since my aesthetician has some fun ideas about shaping and coloring for special occasions. ;o)

Anyway, I’m off - got to file my taxes. I typically get money back, so I’m a little anxious to find out how much and get it in my hands. So, hasta for now.

Tags: job woes, pregnancy, the "m" word

I felt movement today, a little fluttering for a minute and then it was gone. Pretty exciting. The only drawback is that Michael won’t be able to feel anything from outside for another couple of months at least. But then, if this baby is anything like Caleb, once it starts moving it’ll be constantly dancing until it’s born and he’ll have plenty of opportunities to feel and see it move.

Also, I saw my doctor on Monday and she thinks the headaches might be related to sinus pressure caused by allergies because I’m constantly stuffed up now. When I was pregnant with Caleb, I took Claritin and I only got a couple of headaches, so there may be something to this theory. We decided to try Claritin again for a month and see if it doesn’t alleviate some of the symptoms I’m experiencing. If that doesn’t work, we’ll try something else. But at least she’s trying to help me. I only hope my OB feels the same. :oP

Speaking of which, I have an appointment with a certified mid-wife on February 1st. I really hope I like her, because I want a mid-wife or a female nurse practitioner more than I really want a doctor. Mostly it’s the fact that men cannot have this experience, and therefore cannot relate in the same way that a woman who’s had children can. So I just don’t feel that even the most compassionate male doctor would be a good substitute for someone who’s been through it. Also, I want someone who is going to really listen to me and do what I want this time, rather than a doctor who will presume to know more than me (which, in my experience, is exactly what they do).

So, the search is on for someone I like who will listen to me and do what I want, and still not cost me a fortune. We’ll see how it goes.

In other news, my dad is a lame ass. There are several reasons for this:

1. I tell him that I’m getting married and he has the gall to ask me if he can walk me down the aisle, although he has done nothing but deceive me for the past several years. This is also a “no” because I still haven’t gotten over the fact that he dropped narcotic pills on the floor where my two year old son could have easily found and eaten them. Then there’s the fact that he actually hit my mother in the face with a phone and he told me he would never forgive me for calling the cops on him for it...but I digress. Even given the fact that I hedged his question (pretty well, I thought), he said he would be here to see me get married, and I didn’t think that was lame of him at all.
2. He sent Caleb and me the lamest Christmas presents I have personally ever seen. I mean, c’mon, it’s the middle of winter here, so Caleb cannot play with anything involving being outside and getting wet, and he is nowhere near old enough for badminton. Then, he sent us Wal-Mart gift cards, even though he has given me a JC Penney’s gift card for the past ten years and I, selfishly maybe, have come to count on that. Not to mention the fact that I hate Wal-Mart and will not shop there. :oP (My mother-in-law teases me because I even call it “the Evil Store”.) I’m willing to let go of the fact that I got crappy gifts because I’m used to it from my other relatives. But I think it’s pretty fucking lame that he went crazy over my son every birthday and Christmas until now, when he sends maybe fifty bucks worth of useless crap that the kid can’t even play with. I’m just thankful that Caleb is too little to remember or care all that much.
3. I call him to tell him about the change in plans for my wedding, that rather than being in Boise on the 11th, it’ll be in Vegas on the 4th. And you know what? He hadn’t made his plane reservations yet and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to make it, even though he told me months ago that he already had everything taken care of and that he would be here “no matter what.”

And something I can’t make up my mind about is the fact that he has as of yet made no offer to help me pay for anything or even get me a wedding gift. I know he’s going to plead poverty, but here’s the thing. My dad has a brother who has two daughters. When they’re old enough to get married (and that time is shortly approaching), I know without a doubt in my mind that they won’t have to ask for a penny to help them pay for their dream weddings. Because anything their parents can’t pay for, my dad and uncle’s mother will pay gladly. But not one person in that family has offered to do a damn thing for me. And yet, my mom’s family, who are all strapped, keep asking me what I want and where I shop, or if they can chip in to help me pay for my hotel. The difference is astounding when I stop to actually think about it.

I sometimes think the lack of offers is maybe because I’m not his blood child, which is kind of fucked up but maybe understandable. And then sometimes I think it might be that I’m a “bad daughter” because I have been (what they see as) unsympathetic to my dad’s drug problems and even called the police when he abused my mom. Whatever the case may be, I’m going to lay the guilt trip on him this weekend about the money, because I could use some help and I think if he wants to call himself my dad he should damn well pony up when I need him to. Hell, I’d sell blood to help my son pay for his wedding and I don’t see why any parent would do less for something this important.

Anyway, the cool thing is that my mom and my great-aunt are coming, and they’ll be loads of fun. I might even have one of my old friends from high school there, which would be awesome. I’m looking forward to it more every day. And the stuff with the baby makes me feel even better, even if my dad is a shitheel.

Tags: friends and family, frustrations, headaches, pregnancy, the "m" word